How Do You Know If You’ve Found “The One”?

Disclaimer: I am not a relationship expert. I am simply sharing my own experience and perspective.

If you’ve ever asked this question you’ll often hear a response similar to “you just know.” I’ve definitely both heard and given this response before. Often times, it feels like the only way to explain it, it’s a gut feeling. And some people, especially me, often go by gut feelings more than say, I don’t know, logic. But, I’ve had this conversation so many times that I really wanted to take a somewhat deeper dive into more applicable advice on this subject of engagement, marriage, and finding the person to spend the rest of your life with – no pressure or anything, right?!

The truth? You may not know. There is even debate about if “the one” even exists. I used to believe in soulmates, and finding that “one” person I was supposed to be with forever – which is obviously a lot of pressure! This way of thinking caused so much stress and anxiety over choosing the “right” person.

But, a wise friend once told me he didn’t believe in soulmates. As he explained how he felt about one of my best friends and his girlfriend, he said he was sure there are many people out there who are “right” for him, but he wants to be with and marry her and that’s what matters.

This was a perspective I’d never been introduced to before, but it quickly changed my life and helped me get over a lot of anxiety. At the time we had this discussion, I had started dating my best friend, Hayden. Going into it we knew the relationship was serious. But, I hadn’t really had a serious relationship before. I’d dated, sure, but no one for very long, or that I felt as connected to. I’d never thought I’d date Hayden, but the relationship sort of just happened. And although in many other’s eyes it was inevitable and a long time coming, and in my own eyes felt “right”, it was still scary. Was I settling? Was there someone else out there who was better suited for me? Was it true love or just the excitement of a new relationship that would soon fade? I knew in my heart if I pursued our relationship it would likely end in marriage. Was he the “right” person?

But none of that mattered. It didn’t matter if he was “the one” or “right”, what mattered was that we were choosing to be together. And by that nature, we were choosing to make our relationship work. Hayden, I learned, also held this belief and we discussed the idea of choice constantly. I had previously held this fantasy that if I was with the “right” person, the relationship would be easy and we would never fight, I’d never lose this lovey-dovey-honeymoon-stage feeling, and I’d love everything about this “perfect” person. But that’s just not true. All relationships are hard. All relationships, even the best ones, require work. They require work to stay faithful, to continually love each other, to be kind to each other, and to work through arguments.

To me, it didn’t matter if my romantic love for Hayden faded because I loved him as my best friend long before I fell in love with him romantically, and that love – the love for my neighbor, the love that God helps us feel for others – would never fade as long as I chose to keep on loving. Hayden will always be my best friend, the person I want to be with most often, spend time with, and experience life with. It didn’t matter if he was “the one” or not, because I decided that he was. I decided that I was willing to put in the work for our relationship. I was okay knowing that yeah, there are other men out there who would be great for me too, but I’m choosing Hayden.

Now, another wise friend also warned me about making sure that Hayden and I were on the same page, especially with what we value. So yes, choice is important, but there is still something to be said about choosing someone that shares similar values, that you can spend extended periods of time with, someone that makes you better, builds you up, and that you can grow as a person with.

Hayden and I did not simply choose to be together and then get married, but like I said, we also chose to put in the work as well. We began exploring our relationship and our values. We had lengthy discussions. We invited God into our relationship. And, after we did get engaged, we began preparing for marriage. We went through premarital counseling, read books and discussed topics such as the difference between men and women and how to communicate with each other, apology languages, the fact that no one is perfect and how to accept each other’s flaws and forgive inevitable mistakes. We did not plan to rely solely on our love and connection to each other going into marriage, but to rely on God for support and the knowledge that there would be things we disagreed on, that annoyed us, and that there are, and always would be, things we needed to work through before and after getting married. Even things as simple as how are we going to split up the chores? Or as complex as how do we express our love and how can we allow space for both the expression and reception of it?

So how do you know if you’ve found “the one”? Well, you don’t. Because the “one” in a singular sense likely doesn’t exist. What’s more likely is that there are many people who are “right” for you and that you would have a great relationship with, but you are choosing to be with this person. You are willing to put in the work even when things get hard. You are willing to work through tough conversations and difficult situations, but you also enjoy spending time with one another and share similar values. You make each other better. Don’t stress about finding that “perfect” person – you will never find anyone who is. Focus instead on finding someone who is good for you. Someone you can walk through life with for better or worse, richer or poorer, in sickness and in health – as they say.

Photos by Shayla Ashley Photography